Saturday, March 28, 2015

I really couldn't focus on my social psych topic of close relationship for it really got me so upset. Every page seems like a torture because every word really reminds me of u. I feel so bad because I know how lousy I was in the relationship and it might be attributed that you stayed because of the lack of an attractive alternative. 

But once there was a better alternative it seems like I was nothing. Whenever i look back into the past, I really wish I was a better boyfriend.

Thursday, March 19, 2015

When I knew I've lost you, I had to let you go. There isn't a single day that I would not reminisce about our past.

Thursday, February 26, 2015

I think its time i wake up and walk away from this already. Every time I have expectations and hopes only to feel dejected and demoralized. I really have no confidence in trying anymore.

I thought valentine's day was really good and I could really build on its momentum and do my best to win you back and to show u how much I've really changed and how much I really love you and want you back to build a future together.. But it became cold again immediate after valentine's day..

I really feel sad and disappointed. It's very clear that its purely one sided on my part because it seems i'm nothing to you. Even if I do even mean a little something to you, your nonchalant acts really shows that I am quite insignificant in your life.

I really loved you and wanted you to be with me now and forever. A girlfriend and then to my fiancée and then my wife like really. I guess I just really got to wake up from this because since the day I lost you, you've never wanted me back.

Sunday, January 18, 2015

Without knowing what to expect after not seeing you for so long, I was feeling so nervous like how I always feel before every presentation. And when I saw you, you look gorgeous and amazing.
Deep inside I wanted to hug you because I missed you so much but yet I can't.

I was happy that I got to sit beside you during the wedding but I know it accounts for nothing because I am no longer in your life. Well probably you might have someone else whom you have fallen for or the other way round because your such an amazing girl, I'm still doubting if what I'm feeling now is justifiable.

As much as I love you, I know that I am nothing more than just a friend to you. I just hope that I can immerse myself to my work wholeheartedly that I wouldn't need to remind myself of these prolong pain that I'm experiencing.

Saturday, January 03, 2015

It's 2015 and I really hope it would be a better year than 2014. It was horrible to say the least in the 2nd half of the year. At least things between us seems abit more cordial although the fact is that we aren't really talking.

Everyday I still blame myself for what that has transpired. Secretly I'm wishing that we would ever have a chance back together and there is technically nothing I can do for my words or actions will only give u more stress and pressure.

Your words has always been in my mind and I am seriously very cautious and quite reluctant to try to think or do anything because it seems you have become someone whom I really don't know anymore. My thoughts or actions might be misinterpreted and rather than to make things worst.. All I could do is to leave u alone and just pretend you are no longer a part of my life.

Still praying I'll snap out of this. For I no longer have any place in your mind or heart, even though u have always been on my mind.

Saturday, December 27, 2014

Every night I think of how we used to be. There's just so much thoughts in my mind which I do not know how to express or articulate. Been more than 4 months.. therapy made me feel better, immune the pain of the trauma but.. it can never mask away the guilt that I will always be carrying in my heart for I have lost the girl of my life.

It's been almost a semester and I feel like I'm just a wandering soul, feeling so numb and zombified. You know this whole episode really feels like a nightmare, but thing is I am never able to escape from it. I don't understand why this has impacted me so much and affected my life even after for quite awhile. Many times.. I do blame myself for the rash and stupid decision I've made which led to what we are now. But you are happier without me I guess while I'm still trying to steer away from the miserable state.

Clarice, I have always loved you.

Friday, December 19, 2014

The horrible day of 2014

I could add today to the list of "One of the worst days" in 2014, although not the worst but it's still bad enough. Just realised my relationship status has been changed.. without me knowing. I mean it should have been changed long ago but I always give myself false hope, hoping that one day these hope will become reality. But ultimately I always ended up disappointed.

I don't know why I am still feeling like this whenever I reminisce these past 4 years. Despite the therapies and counselling sessions, it really made me feel better gradually, but there is this large void within me which is really difficult to fill. Something like a very big wound which stitching is difficult.

I shouldn't be feeling this way but I know I have to snap out of this.. I do not know when or how will I be able to. Maybe not any time soon. Something struck me and totally woke me up, which is that I have to improve myself and be ready to love with everything I have and then I would be ready to be in a rls again. 

I actually thought that this would be the last relationship. But it's because of this thought, it was my Achilles heel. I got complacent thinking that the love would be forever despite my attitude. But sadly I'm very wrong. Once again nothing last forever. I hate the dating game, always a lousy player losing at the games. But whichever the case I hope the next person would really be the last. For now, I shall willow in self-pity.


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