Sunday, January 18, 2015

Without knowing what to expect after not seeing you for so long, I was feeling so nervous like how I always feel before every presentation. And when I saw you, you look gorgeous and amazing.
Deep inside I wanted to hug you because I missed you so much but yet I can't.

I was happy that I got to sit beside you during the wedding but I know it accounts for nothing because I am no longer in your life. Well probably you might have someone else whom you have fallen for or the other way round because your such an amazing girl, I'm still doubting if what I'm feeling now is justifiable.

As much as I love you, I know that I am nothing more than just a friend to you. I just hope that I can immerse myself to my work wholeheartedly that I wouldn't need to remind myself of these prolong pain that I'm experiencing.

Saturday, January 03, 2015

It's 2015 and I really hope it would be a better year than 2014. It was horrible to say the least in the 2nd half of the year. At least things between us seems abit more cordial although the fact is that we aren't really talking.

Everyday I still blame myself for what that has transpired. Secretly I'm wishing that we would ever have a chance back together and there is technically nothing I can do for my words or actions will only give u more stress and pressure.

Your words has always been in my mind and I am seriously very cautious and quite reluctant to try to think or do anything because it seems you have become someone whom I really don't know anymore. My thoughts or actions might be misinterpreted and rather than to make things worst.. All I could do is to leave u alone and just pretend you are no longer a part of my life.

Still praying I'll snap out of this. For I no longer have any place in your mind or heart, even though u have always been on my mind.

Saturday, December 27, 2014

Every night I think of how we used to be. There's just so much thoughts in my mind which I do not know how to express or articulate. Been more than 4 months.. therapy made me feel better, immune the pain of the trauma but.. it can never mask away the guilt that I will always be carrying in my heart for I have lost the girl of my life.

It's been almost a semester and I feel like I'm just a wandering soul, feeling so numb and zombified. You know this whole episode really feels like a nightmare, but thing is I am never able to escape from it. I don't understand why this has impacted me so much and affected my life even after for quite awhile. Many times.. I do blame myself for the rash and stupid decision I've made which led to what we are now. But you are happier without me I guess while I'm still trying to steer away from the miserable state.

Clarice, I have always loved you.

Friday, December 19, 2014

The horrible day of 2014

I could add today to the list of "One of the worst days" in 2014, although not the worst but it's still bad enough. Just realised my relationship status has been changed.. without me knowing. I mean it should have been changed long ago but I always give myself false hope, hoping that one day these hope will become reality. But ultimately I always ended up disappointed.

I don't know why I am still feeling like this whenever I reminisce these past 4 years. Despite the therapies and counselling sessions, it really made me feel better gradually, but there is this large void within me which is really difficult to fill. Something like a very big wound which stitching is difficult.

I shouldn't be feeling this way but I know I have to snap out of this.. I do not know when or how will I be able to. Maybe not any time soon. Something struck me and totally woke me up, which is that I have to improve myself and be ready to love with everything I have and then I would be ready to be in a rls again. 

I actually thought that this would be the last relationship. But it's because of this thought, it was my Achilles heel. I got complacent thinking that the love would be forever despite my attitude. But sadly I'm very wrong. Once again nothing last forever. I hate the dating game, always a lousy player losing at the games. But whichever the case I hope the next person would really be the last. For now, I shall willow in self-pity.


Monday, October 13, 2014

I miss you so much that i'm crying myself to sleep everynight.

Wednesday, October 08, 2014

I love you and i wish i could turn back time. To go back time and solve all the problems we had. I'm sorry.

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

I miss you.

Baby girl, I've been thinking of you every single day. It hurts me so much that whenever I think of you, tears seems to be a frequent patron. I miss you everyday, more than any words can say.

But it's too late, there are so many things running through my mind.. all the "what-ifs". What if I didn't say those words that started all these.. what if I've tried even harder.. what if I was a better boyfriend. Theres nothing much I can do now. I miss your smile, your random pictures, your hugs, your voice.. everything. I miss you.
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